Recently I wrote this:
By the time this posts, things will either have gone really well or gone really poorly. Or somewhere in the middle. Or we’ll still be in the middle of figuring it out. Jeez, that was so not helpful.
Yeah, so not helpful. I mean, that’s pretty much life, right? It either goes well, goes poorly, or is still in motion. As I wrote it, it was like an odd epiphany. There it is. Good, bad, middle. It was like a “duh” moment when I was typing it. I feel like it was important that I wrote it and that I acknowledged it. I wish it had helped me more, though.
I told T in a recent session that I feel like I’m able to see the things I’m doing, notice what I’ve said or something that triggers me, but I don’t know how to change it. She told me then maybe I’m not ready to change those things. How frustrating to hear because I feel like I am ready and wanting. It’s so difficult to see what you are doing wrong and not be able to make the change to make myself better.