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Buzz buzz buzz

27 May

There it is, the buzzing running through me that reminds me that my anxiety is not under control. Last night the chattering/shaking started, but I was able to head it off before it got very far at all. As I posted the other day, Le Moo is not acting right. In the real world, that post was written the Friday before Mother’s Day…this one the day before Mother’s Day. Our vet office is open on Saturdays, but our actual vet only works there every other Saturday, and today was an off day. I have scheduled Le Moo for Monday morning, so hub and I will be out and on the road early to get to the vet. I hope by the time this post goes up, I will have a post script explaining what is going on with Le Moo. I hope it is nothing, but at the moment I am still worried.

This all has my anxiety going up. I am focused too much on my breathing, worrying that it feels short and somewhat labored. I am focused too much on my left arm feeling uncomfortable–which could likely be attributed to other factors like having spent time outside yesterday picking up poo so the yard was clean. I am feeling the buzz buzz buzz of anxiety running through me, like electricity has replaced the blood in my veins. My stomach is upset and I feel shaky and jittery.

I keep telling myself that Le Moo is doing all the things she should be–and not doing the things she shouldn’t–so it isn’t likely there is anything emergent (otherwise we would have seen a diff vet right away). I keep telling myself that my breathing is fine, and my arm is just sore. I keep reminding myself that this is my anxiety talking to me, trying to convince me that there is something wrong and I need to panic. I am on the edge of it… remember my puke and get it over with post? I wish I could. I am torn between trying to go distract myself and “puking”. I am using every tool I have learned to keep the anxiety manageable. I am not yet at a point where I feel I can have NO anxiety in my life…I’m not sure I will ever be there. But I want to be–and am trying to be–in a place where I can manage it. I consider myself mildly successful at this point, as I have not gone into full or partial panic mode. I am learning to identify the physical symptoms of my anxiety as they are beginning, so I can try to manage them. That, to me, is success.

Also, for me, being able to talk about what kind of state I am in is a success. When I can tell my hub (or someone else) that I am feeling anxious or that something hurts without feeling like a specimen under a microscope, that is a success. I am not doing that as much as I would like, at least about the “anxious” part. My family has learned–after so many years of chronic pain–that they cannot fix the pain that I am in, nor am I asking them to. I am only sharing so they know what physical state I am. With the anxiety, sharing that is newer to all of us and they are still more likely to attempt to try to help me, which in effect does not really help.

Le Moo went to get her nails trimmed this morning. At the very least she visited with a couple of dogs at the petco like she normally would, then came home and pooped (she always poos after a car ride). But she still had no interest in being outside or investigating the fence line. Oh, Le Moo, what is going on with you??

P.S. Took Le Moo to Le Vet this morning. Everything is “normal” physically and with her blood work. Best we can do is keep an eye on her and encourage her to stay in her regular routine. And hope she gets herself back to normal soon.

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