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Judge Dread

17 May

I know that isn’t how you spell the title of the movie, but this applies to my post more semantically than movie-cally. Which is so not a word.

Today was my appointment with T, and we were discussing shame and what might be causing it for me. And dammit I’ve just now realized that I forgot to talk to her about the rainbow connection. I was so caught up in talking about my aunt and how I’m handling her issues, and how my mother is super-woman. And what I recall liking when I was a kid. And before I knew it, the hour was over. I really want to have a two hour session with her. Humph.

During our conversation, along with my inability to be empathetic and understanding to myself and my issues, I’ve come to understand I am also very judgmental and critical of myself. Surprise! Wait, you’re not surprised? Me, either. Problem is, I have no idea how to not be judgmental or critical. I’m supposed to see things about myself and not note them as “good” or “bad”. Arg. I have no concept of how to do that. It’s so bad that even sitting here thinking that I shouldn’t be so self-critical has me judging myself as “bad.” Not good, eh?

T wanted to know what I judge myself most harshly on and I told her that no matter what I’ve done over the years–from childhood to adulthood–it’s been my weight. When I lose some, I’m “good” and when I gain it I’m “bad.” The thing is, no matter if I lose or gain, I’m fat. Pretty much always have been for as long as I can remember. So what difference does it make to me if I’m ten pounds up or ten pounds down? That I’m healthier should be the guide for me…but even that is a trap, isn’t it? How do I note my own health without thinking it’s “good” or “bad”? I feel lost in this, just as I felt with the concept of “control” and what I can and cannot control.

Wrapped up in the weight is the judgment of how I look physically. I can’t separate the two parts. My looks are about how much I weigh.

Sorry, this isn’t really helping me at the moment, so I’m going to just stop. I know T would say if it’s hard then it is important. But at this point, it’s making me feel kinda crappy, so I’m going to have to come back to this.

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