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One giant step for mankind

15 May

Yeah, I’ve been trying to do better with my anxiety. I feel like I’ve been doing better. Not more conscious of it, but less wrapped up in it. Despite the fact that I’ve been trying to help my parents understand my elderly aunt’s panic and anxiety issues…she is still in the hospital with some issues. Some of it stems from her anxiety and panic, some we are not sure about.

My giant step forward was me doing better. I was really doing okay for a while. We went out to dinner in the city to a restaurant we’ve never tried, which means I hadn’t had their food and had no idea of my reaction. But I didn’t worry! I dressed up a little and we had a really nice time. I’ve also been driving myself to PT (even on wet roads) and taking care of my parents’ dog while my father is with my aunt. Stressful, yes, but I have been trying to keep a handle on everything in my head. Yesterday, hub and I went out after dinner so he could run a couple of errands, then we stopped to get custard from Rita’s Italian Ice on the way home. I don’t do chocolate because of my stomach issues, but I decided to go for it because I’ve been doing well with my stomach. And I figured the caffeine in the soft custard couldn’t be much…the custard is a really light color. Duh, probably a stupid thing to think. I’m not necessarily blaming how I feel this morning on the custard, it just happens to be the only thing I did differently in the last couple of days.

So I had to wake up early this morning (boring reason), and I’m sure that screwed me up as well. And my stomach started getting upset. And I started feeling nauseous. And dizzy. And I could feel my health anxiety poking at me. Hey, you, wake up. You’re not feeling well! You’re nauseous…and you know what that means! Your heart! Your heart! Now you can’t breathe right! Now you’re dizzy…and that all means bad heart! Henh henh henh. Yeah, that’s how I hear it in my head. So for a while I curled up under the covers and wallowed…thought about it, tried to breathe properly and deeply. Reminded myself that I had that custard last night and this was probably the after-affect of that. I’m fine, I’m okay.

Roused myself to go let the dog out and give her lunch, then decided instead of grabbing a yogurt, I would eat a regular lunch. Routine, normalcy, fake it ’til you make it. Ignore the nausea, ignore the dizzy, ignore the short breathing. Go, do, be as you are. So I did, and then I put laundry in to remind myself that I can. Lifted the baskets, carried them to the laundry room, put the laundry in.

Physically, do I feel better? No. Stomach still unhappy, nausea came back after I finished eating, dizziness/imbalance still there, breathing still feels too fast. Sucks, but I’m in it and I’m letting it be in me.

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