The rainbow connection

13 May

Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me.

I’m still working on where my shame might be coming from. I’m trying to figure out why I don’t feel I’m worthy of my own compassion and empathy. T has asked me what I was like as a child. I don’t remember much of my childhood specifically, and I worry that it’s because something happened. I don’t really think anything tragic happened…I really don’t. I think I just have a bad memory for things that are not important to my life right now.

So anyway, I asked my mother if I was a happy child, and she said yes. She told me I was happy and smiley, and I loved my Barbie dolls (but not baby dolls, much to her dismay). She told me I used to play with my brothers in our living room with the green carpet. I remember the living room and the (ugly!) green carpet, but I don’t remember playing with the boys there. I remember them playing with their matchbox cars, but I don’t remember participating.

Well, that was slightly off-topic. The issue I’m struggling with is whether or not I’m really finding a connection to the “shame” or if I’m pushing a connection that is not really there. How am I supposed to know? Did I make up a connection that isn’t really there? Did I over-analyze it so much that I forced a connection between a potential reason for my shame and the actuality of where the shame is originating?

Humph. Seems like no matter what I think, I bring up more questions than answers. How am I supposed to move forward if that’s the case? (another freaking question)

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Posted by on May 13, 2013 in anxiety, shame


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