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Somedays you gotta cry

17 Apr

I talked a little bit about needing to let go, or “puke and get it over with.” It isn’t something I do well or easily, for fear that I will not be able to regain control…and control is really important to me. My anxiety is lower when I feel in control. It’s something I am very acutely aware of in my life.

Today, in the middle of a telephone call where I was getting an update on my elderly aunt’s condition, I felt the tears pressing against my eyes. The news wasn’t bad, I think I just hit my breaking point. And instead of sucking it in, I let it out. I didn’t cry for long–I actually don’t like to cry because it aggravates some of my chronic illnesses–but I did cry hard. And for a few minutes after I stopped, I knew the tears were still coming down my face.

I wish I could say it made me feel better, but crying often makes me feel worse physically. So much of the relief I might feel from releasing the feelings get blunted because I’m left feeling physically worse.

On top of the stress of my aunt’s hospitalization, I’m having some issues with my stomach and bowels. I hate that. I hate feeling poorly…and although I’ve been trying to get better with the help of a nutritionist (who works with natural remedies), I’m not feeling too great. All these things combined have sapped my strength and left me blah.I had hub buy me some OTC miralax, but I’m kind of afraid to take it. Considering the issue I had with OTC Prilosec (which is supposed to be no big deal), I fear taking the Miralax. Such is the anxiety in me! (see what I did there? sense of humor does come out every now and then, despite the stupid anxiety.)

Also, my left arm hurts, and I hate feeling that…it ramps up my health anxiety, even though I try to remind myself that my heart is fine (I’ve been checked by a cardiologist). Old habits die hard, and the arm pain is one of those old habits. I’ve had some heartburn these past couple of days (I think it’s because I snuck some chocolate in, which I haven’t done in 8 or 9 months), and my heartburn does produce this arm pain. But it requires constant reminder and self-reassurance that the arm pain is annoying, but benign. Needless to say, the chocolate ended with my last bit yesterday, but the heartburn hasn’t quite disappeared altogether. I hope it is the chocolate causing the heartburn, because I’m not sure what else it could be and I’ll be really distressed if the heartburn has otherwise returned despite the regimen I am on with the nutritionist. *sigh*

Lastly, because I haven’t complained enough in this post, my neck is tired. I suspect the neck (and maybe some of the arm issue) is from the physical therapy appointment I had yesterday. She worked on those two places yesterday, where she really hadn’t for a couple of weeks prior. If that’s the case, experience teaches me I will either feel better in those two areas tomorrow, or not. Gee, that seemed helpful, didn’t it? Sometimes you don’t know what you’re thinking until you actually write (type) it out. Mindfulness. Ye-ah.

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