Post-post

It’s day 3 post massage. I’m feeling crappy, still, and today the right half of my face is flushed. My stomach is still upset and I still feel nauseous. Fun times, yeah?

I feel myself falling backward into old habits really quickly. I’m sitting hunched over, curled up on myself, which is my fallback position for comforting myself when I’m anxious or feeling sick. I’m sitting forward, kind of on edge, like I’m expecting something to happen any second. I’m squinting my eyes, I’m furrowing my forehead…I’m basically engaging every muscle into a tight position as if I need to protect myself from something…from everything. It doesn’t feel good, and upon noticing consciously this morning, I’m trying to take deep breaths and stretch out. Make my spine taller, relax my face, sit back in my chair. It all feels foreign, because I just want to close in on myself…even though I’ve spent months and months with my body being looser and more flexible and not tight.

This nausea and the ensuing health anxiety is playing havoc with me. I’m sad to note that I don’t really feel like I’ve conquered it, only that I’ve felt good enough that it was keeping the anxiety at bay. Makes me feel like I’ve failed, even though I know I’ve done well in some aspects of my anxiety. This health anxiety–most specifically a heart attack anxiety–has not been conquered. It was just waiting for me to trip and fall. Ugh.

I don’t want to wallow, I don’t want to fall into this trap. I am trying to move through it, live with it, and practice my tools. At the moment, I don’t feel successful, which leaves me feeling sad and beaten.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I’m going to sit quietly for a bit and remind myself that I’m okay.